Beauty in the Journey

*Content warning* Your mental health is important. With that in mind, I want to state this post talks about sexual assault.

If women were honest what would the wounds look like? What has she down played? “I said no, but.” “I set a boundary, but I love him.” “I didn’t want it, but I wanted to make him happy.” How many of us walk around with deep wounds we cover up in a mask of overacting? Are we though? Or is it just safer to not call a spade a spade? Is it easier to down play our experience? What damage does it create to keep it down? 

We enter a situation with someone we love excepting protection. We trust and respect this person, so they must feel and want to do the same. Instead, we get manipulation. They gaslight us. They tell us we wanted it too. We believe it because it’s easier. It’s easier for them because we don’t make a scene. It’s easier for us because we can pretend it doesn’t affect us, or at least we try too.   

But how many women are walking around with wounds from some form of sexual assault? How many of us refuse to take on the title? The title is too much! We said no, but we loved him. It was not violent. We could have stopped it, but we didn’t. Even though we said no. Even though we set our boundary. We just got carried away. It’s truly okay, this is not a form of assault. Is it okay though? Or is it just as violating in different ways? 

What impact would it make if we were honest? If we shared our story. If we called a spade a spade. Would it change anything? Who would it help? 

Maybe sexual assault isn’t always what we were made to think it was. Maybe it’s not always violent. Well not violent in the sense of outward violence. Isn’t any time after sex we are left feeling less than and violate, isn’t that a form of emotional violence? What would it look like if the narrative changed? If assault was any form of violation of someone? How can we heal from trauma if we don’t even the see the trauma for what it truly is? 

There is just so many questions because the narrative is not supportive of this. While I am not saying let’s charge people and get them thrown in jail; this blog is not about laws. It’s about being open with the pain to help change the narrative, so it supports the healing. Women need to feel safe to say, “Yes, I was sexual assaulted.” It’s so hard to admit the pain and trauma, but when the narrative goes against what we are feeling, we do not feel safe to share. We change how we see it. However, our body doesn’t care about the narrative. All it cares about is how it felt! All our nervous system cares about are the impacts it created!

(This is not from my current relationship.)